Life's Five: Entry 5

Today's post is a serious one. I received a Facebook message today from someone I do not know. She wrote to me asking for advice. A friend of mine referred her to me because we have been through the same thing--the suicide of a parent. A lot of people know what happened to my father--that he took his own life--but it's not something I tell everyone--until today. When I received the message from my new friend, it was a call of desperation. She couldn't believe her father too had recently completed suicide. She needed advice to help her through it, if I didn't mind. I wrote her back right away. When you go through something this painful, you need someone to talk to, listen to, sit with, cry with, but to have someone who has also been to this horrific place is even more comforting.

Suicide rips through families, workplaces, churches, schools, and communities. It is shocking, confusing, and feels like total darkness for everyone left behind. Since my dad died in 2001 I have never really thought about the advice I would give someone. Thankfully, I have never been asked until now. As I started the email to my new friend, I didn't even really have to think about what I would write. It just came. It came easily to me because I lived it. I lived it slowly--it was not a situation quickly resolved or healed. I am posting this today in my blog because I think it is sound advice. If you're reading this, maybe it will help you or someone you know. I think these thoughts cover all five categories today: live. laugh. learn. like. love. They're all in here.

1) Cry a lot. It helps. I used to cry out loud in public places. I didn't care what people thought. The loss of my father was painful enough, but it also seemed to bring up a load of stuff from my past I suddenly had to deal with--all at once. 

2) Give yourself time. Ask others to give you time. You will probably break down in tears at the strangest of places and most unexpected times. It's okay. It will take a long time before you are able to control that. It took a full year before the fog was lifted from me. I felt like I was going insane. The whole world as I knew it turned upside down and I barely even recognized myself. But when the fog lifted I knew what I was supposed to do. My song, "Just Fly" is about this time in my life. You can find it on my myspace page. 

3) Pray. You will need the strength and hope only God can give you. Without that inner peace, nothing else makes sense. 

4) Forgive your dad. Completion of suicide is not an easily-explained event. No one knows the heart or mind of that person. If a person goes through with it, they are probably very sick in some way--mentally, physically, or under influence of medication. My dad was taking Prednisone, which has psychotic side effects. (Be extra careful with this drug.)

5) Forgive yourself or anyone else who may appear to be the cause of his choice. Forgive anyone who could have "saved" him. It doesn't work that way. No one can make someone complete suicide. Again, it goes back to forgiving your dad...for he likely did not even know what he was doing.

6) Create. Do things, make things, paint things, write in your journal, write poems or songs...whatever your outlet is...it's a good time to let it flow. You will be amazed at what comes out--truth, lies that you believe, love, memories, deep emotions. A creative outlet will help you to see what's inside of you. Then it will help to heal you. 

7) Focus. Focus on the things you love: Your family. Your friends. Your pets. Whatever you love dearly, love it or them more dearly than ever before. Don't let your despair overshadow the beauty that remains. 

8) Remember. Remember the good about your dad. Don't listen to anything negative people may want to tell you. I know it sounds crazy but people will do it. Just put your hand up and walk away. You want your memories to be positive ones. 

9) Reach out. In the midst of our greatest sorrow, there are always others who are hurting. Helping someone else in even a little way will help both of you. And allow others to help you by letting them know that you just can't do it all. People want to do things for you. Let them. 

10) Get back to basics. Eat well. Sleep. Exercise. Stay or get healthy. When you are suffering emotionally it is important to be physically healthy. There are days when you don't feel like eating. You feel like you don't even deserve food because he is gone. Eat anyway. 

There is not a road map to recovery from this. For me God is the only light at the end of any dark tunnel. Hold on to your family. Hold on to Jesus. It's a rough ride but the roughest parts will end eventually. I promise you that. And you will survive. And you will laugh again. Don't feel guilty for having happy moments. You are alive. Celebrate your life. Your dad would want that more than anything."

I hope what I went through helps my new friend and others who are suffering. Eight years later I am pretty healthy upstairs and am enjoying the amazing life I have been given. I haven't forgotten Dad. He comes to my mind everyday, but I don't cry as much anymore. Over time the crying subsided and more and more the laughter started to take over. I miss him a lot, but I still feel happy. And I know my dad would have wanted that for me too.

Be good. Be blessed. And please...write it down.